Sunday, February 20, 2011

Another day, another snowstorm...

Well, another week has come and gone and I'm feeling a bit philosophical. No call from the matchmaking agency. I can't say I'm surprised. Maybe a little disappointed though. My hope is starting to wane.

I watched Eat, Pray, Love today. I thought that they did an okay job of adapting the book, which I read a couple of years ago. I really enjoyed the book and felt that I resonated on some level with the author. Although my own story is quite different. I also have a box full of places I want to travel to before I die; and the list is long. I don't dream of a white picket fence with 2.5 kids and a dog...I dream of Africa, Antarctica, Borneo and Sumatra (just to name a few).

But the movie got me thinking again, reminding me of the book, and what the movie did not convey about some of the author's (Elizabeth Gilbert) feelings that drove her to make the choices she did. She felt trapped in a life that she did not want, and from what I recall, she wasn't quite sure how she wound up there. Reading the book made me feel like I wasn't alone.

There's this small part of me that sees friends and relatives with their children and wonders what it would be like to have a child of my own. But then I think, I just don't want it badly enough. At one point in time, when I was in my late 20's, I thought that maybe at some point (in the near future) I'd feel old enough and ready to settle down and have a family, but that hasn't happened for me, and I don't think it ever will.

For me, it isn't so much about not having a family, but about feeling left behind and feeling left out of experiences I will never have. I will never be able to truly relate with many of my friends and they will never be able to relate to me.

I really enjoy my life, my career, my travels, my friends, but at the same time feel conflicted because I don't want be a parent. I know this may sound strange; it's even strange to me. I value family very much, but don't see myself as part of one (other than the one I grew up in). And while that may make me sad sometimes, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really bother me.

The snow has been falling all day and will require me to shovel out in the morning, so it's time for a good night's sleep before the morning workout.

Monday, February 14, 2011

It's Valentines Day...I'm Watching the Westminster Dog Show

Well, it's Valentines Day. While I'm not a hater, I'm not exactly a fan either. Now you might think I'm bitter because I haven't found that special someone, but really that's not the reason for my lukewarm feelings towards this day.

I take issue with retail holidays. It's a sad statement that we've created a special day to tell our loved ones that we love them or show them we love them by buying gifts. Why don't we live that everyday? Not the buying gifts part, the showing love part. I realize that some people do, but it's obvious that a greater percentage of us do not. And we play right into the hands of retailers. I am a Capitalist, but sometimes the materialistic nature of our culture disappoints me. From my perspective, spending time with loved ones is a much better gift than anything money can buy.

No news on the dating front. I think I'll start a pool as to how long it's going to take before they call me back. I think I might have blacklisted myself.

Happy Valentines Day to all, and remember to live the spirit all year (you know, like Christmas)...and yes, I really am watching the Westminster Dog Show. I just adore those little toy dogs.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Blah, blah, blah....

I have just returned from a business trip to Texas. I was really hoping for a little warmth while I was there, but no such luck. It was 25 degrees F. Now I know I shouldn't complain, because that was still about 35 degrees warmer than what I left at home; but man, what a bummer.

On the dating scene there isn't much to report. Date #3 did call back, but I didn't call him back. I know that really isn't nice. I didn't like it very much when Date #1 didn't call when he said he would. However, I am just having a difficult time getting past the age difference. I guess for me age really isn't just a number. It's a point of reference, not only for maturity as a person ages, but also for what a person can relate to about when they grew up. I don't want to date  a guy 8 to 10 years older than me anymore than I want to date a guy 8 to 10 years younger. I really did consider calling back. I thought about saying we should just meet for lunch or coffee. You know, not rule him out so soon, get to know him a little better, but every day I put it off.....well, it just got too far away from that original call. I guess I've got a ways to go before I start considering men who I wasn't really interested in initially.

I also had my say about Date #4 with the agency, the really creepy guy. The woman in the office who took my feedback "thanked me" for being so honest. I say "thanked", because my cynical side doesn't think she was too pleased with my reaction. I wasn't hostile, I didn't yell, but I was very explicit that the date was completely unacceptable, for oh, so many reasons. I said that I didn't want to date anyone more than 5 years older.

I gave that feedback this past Monday, and I haven't heard back from the agency since. I'm guessing that they don't have too many clients in my age range. Especially since I was initially told that they were going to keep the age range no more than five years older and after the first two dates they jumped to guys who were 8 to 10 years older. Bummer.

Well, I suppose that's enough blithering for the evening. Time to try and get some sleep. It's good to be home again.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

6 February 2011...A Nothing Kind of Day

A rather typical Sunday today, and that's a good thing. I really relish quiet time on the weekends before going back to the rat race, but still thinking about the weirdness from last night. Not much else to do about that until I can have my chat with the agency.

Date number 3 called and left a voicemail today asking about going out next weekend. I think I'll need to mull that over a bit. I have a difficult time describing how ambivalent I feel about it. I mean, he just seems too old for me (45). But then I think it couldn't hurt to talk to him, and it isn't important that I don't find him attractive, at least not at this stage. That could change.

See, this is my problem, I over analyze everything. I know I do, and the problem now is that I read that book, I am trying to be more open minded and widen my net about who I consider. You know, not exclude a guy on the basis of a mediocre first date or if I don't find him attractive. I mean, I really don't know all that much about him yet. I hate dating. It's not fun, it's work. I am probably just sour right now because of my negative experience from last night.

Well, time to try and chill out a bit. Looking forward to the devil I know called work tomorrow.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

The Fourth Date or Augggghhhh!

Okay, really. This was about the worst date I've ever been on and I've had someone accidentally spit on me while they were chewing their food. I'm not even sure where to begin....

When I got the restaurant, the table was not ready and the hostess informed me that my date was already in the bar. The only man I saw standing alone in the bar was an old guy, so I explained that I had never met the man and asked if she could show me who he was. She seemed too busy to help me, but her colleague said, "oh sure, I'll introduce you".  Yes, it was the "old" guy. The agency said he was 47, and while that may be true, he looked to be about 55. He had a creepy smile and was just creepy in general. It was like he was leering at me. He seemed to have trouble conversing, period.

Let's see, he's a beekeeper, runs his family's farm and has been since he took over from his father in the early 90's. He just got back from Belize, literally, like this morning. Now, you might think "oooh, world traveler". But no, he's never been anywhere else outside the US. I was starting to think that he never left the Iron Range (it certainly didn't sound like it, his Iron Range accent was quite thick). But then he mentioned that he'd been to and worked in Alaska and had also been to Arizona and California. When I asked why he had gone to Belize he said that he heard a lot of nice things about it and was wondering if there were any beekeepers down there he could talk with about their practices. Which were the other reasons for his travel, excluding Alaska.

Everything was about beekeeping. When he got around to asking me what I did for a living, the conversation very quickly jumped back to beekeeping. There are no bees in my business, nor honey, sometime molasses, corn syrup, or sugar. I don't even remember how the conversation steered back that direction.

When I decided it was time to end the misery, I paid my bill (everything arrives on separate checks, which is great) and put on my scarf and coat. I then stood up and said it was nice to have met him. He didn't get up. He just stayed seated at the table. I talked a little bit more to see if was leaving too, but he wasn't; he just stayed put. I ended up walking out alone (which is fine, but weird). Another socially awkward moment.

Mind you, I do feel like an un-nice person for leaving him sit there alone in the restaurant. However, the meal was finished, the bills were paid, and the evening was just over. It was one of the most awkward situations I've experienced. Even the bad date with the doctor (date #2) didn't go that poorly or end that strangely. He was just a guy with no direction.

What I'm still trying to figure out is why the matchmaking agency even set me up with him in first place. Was this some kind of test? I'm not really sure. Although, I'm sure it will be an interesting conversation on Monday when I provide my feedback to them.

5 February 2011

This is my first attempt at blogging. I debated for two weeks before deciding to start a blog. I've always enjoyed writing and thought it might be fun to write about life.

I am thirty-something, single, and have a great career. I love traveling and try and go somewhere at least once a year. Although, the last couple of years it has been every other year as the trips I've been taking have gotten a little grander, Madagascar in 2010 and Botswana in 2008.  At any rate, I've been thinking about my desire for a long-term relationship. You know, a nice guy to share the ups and downs of life. I tried the on-line dating scene on and off through out my mid-twenties to early-thirties without much luck.
Now in my late thirties, I recently decided to join a matchmaking service.

Now mind you, I am not overly confident in their abilities to find me someone with whom I will be compatible. I think that I've just not had the best luck, so I'm a little bit cynical. The up side is that I am meeting new guys and dining out...I feel like I actually have a life outside of work.

To date, I have been on three dates and have a fourth this evening.

My first date was with Dave, 38, never married, no kids, a business man for a large, and well respected company. We had a really great time. The conversation flowed flawlessly. We had a lot in common and seemed to have similar philosophies and approached life in a similar manner. He was about a foot taller than me (I'm only five feet tall) and was nice looking, but not stunning; just your average guy next door. He mentioned that he'd like to go out again and I agreed (I had a great time); we exchanged info and I was in a great mood. A few days later he sent me a text just to say hi, that was thinking about me and was planning to call me the next day. I never heard from him again.

My second date was with Rob, 37, never married, no kids, a physician. He got to the restaurant late and apologized. No worries. He mentioned that he was unemployed or soon to become unemployed and that this was typical for him to go through periods of unemployment. I was confused by this the rest of the evening. He railed against the health care system...his concerns seemed valid.  He moved here for a job, but was dissatisfied. He seemed pretty non-committal about pretty much everything. The conversation was strained and the date did not go well. We shook hands at the end of the evening and said "take care". I am still a little stymied by the evening. I've never met a lazy doctor, but his attitude seemed to be...I've become a doctor paid off my school loans, so now I'm just going to bum around and have fun.

Date number three was also with a physician, Wendell, 45, divorced, no kids. He was short. Now, I know I have no room to say a word about height, as I'm only five feet tall. But it was just weird to be eye to eye (I did have a small heel on). We had a nice conversation and he seemed cultured. He asked me out again and I said yes. We exchanged information and so now I wait. He is not someone I think I would normally go for. He's so old (well not really, but you know what I mean).

I just finished reading Marry Him, The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.  It was good to get some new perspective. Although, I probably have some work to do; personally that is. While I did enjoy the book and found humor in it, I also found it depressing. You know, like there's no hope for me. I mean, I'm 37 and don't want kids. Not wanting kids is not a common Midwestern value, at least from what I've been able to ascertain. Which leaves me with older men who are either divorced with grown kids or older men who don't want kids. Either way, it leaves me with older men.

Well, tonight is date number four. He's 47. I just have to keep telling myself to keep an open mind.