Here's Blood in Your Eye...

Welcome to Monday!

If you don't like to look at pictures of eyes then stop reading.

It's always a joy to wake up on a Monday morning and finding a blood spot in your eye. It looks much more alarming than it is, but nonetheless gave me quite the jolt when I looked in the mirror this morning and reminded me why I didn't become a physician. The doc says it should clear up in two weeks or so. Fantastic.

I may have to come up with some fun story of how it happened. Because the truth is, let's face it, rather boring...my pillow did this to me. Yawn.

On a positive note, it should be a grand week. The weather is perfect. The sun is shining; it's warm but not too warm; it isn't humid (which is quite unusual for August); and I am one week closer to vacation. Yeah.

It can only get better.

Cheers.

People will tell you that Xanax and M&Ms are not a proper diet...

The neighbors recently started playing badminton in their backyard. I'm all for badminton...I love badminton, especially backyard badminton. But seriously, if you're playing badminton in your backyard, you should be playing by backyard margarita rules, which basically boil down to, "dude, I hit the birdie over the net". None of this three hits per side, or there's some kind of "imaginary" line that makes the little birdie go out and gives the other side a point.  If you're into the competitive stuff go join a league and let the rest of us have some fun.

When played in a backyard, the following games fall into the let's have fun and not get all competitive so we kill everyone's buzz category: badminton, volleyball, croquet, boccie ball, lawn Jarts (which you probably shouldn't play drunk, but then what's the point really?), and horseshoes.

And let's get this straight, if for some reason I end up on your team and you yell at me because I'm trying to have drunk backyard fun and you're desperate to win, I might just kick you in the nuts (even if you don't have them). Just remember it's the backyard and nobody cares whether you win, but they will remember how big a douche bag you were. And...if there are children involved and you make them cry, I will make you cry. Count on it.

Did you ever have one those weeks at work where you feel like you're in a scene from Animal Farm? That's pretty much how my week went. It really makes want to make up a bunch of random stuff and then say that I never said any of that. Some people would call it a cluster-fuck, however, I prefer goat rodeo.

And one more thing, can someone please explain how a person manages to get a speeding ticket during rush hour? I don't understand. Traffic moves at a crawl or at least 15 miles below the posted speed limit and yet some folks manage to acquire speeding tickets. If I ever figure it out, I'll be sure to let everyone know.

Cheers

I'm going out to find more minions...no, not onions, minions

Today's post is brought to you by the letter "E". 

Warning! If you are offended by swearing, the use of politically incorrect words that used to be socially acceptable in everyday language but no longer are, or socially sensitive topics, stop reading now. 

I've been seeing the letter E around a lot lately and I really like it, the letter E that is, not that I'm seeing it, but that's okay too. I've been seeing the letter K around a lot too, but I don't like that letter as much. And you know I'm pretty sure that Bert and Ernie are not gay...because they're muppets. I'm almost certain that muppets don't have a sexual orientation. Besides, if any muppet was going to be gay (or lesbian, I don't want to be gender biased) I think it would be Janice from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem Band.

I heard on MPR today (no, that's not a typo, M stands for Minnesota) that they've developed a new shark suit that will reduce risk for scuba divers and snorkelers for being attacked by a shark. Apparently, sharks are confused by black and white stripes. I am very happy for them; but tell you what, I've got a remedy for that too...stay out of shark infested waters. I'm also pretty sure that the black and white stripes won't work if you come across a shark wielding tornado; nope, you need a chainsaw for that.

I'm pretty sure that I've developed adult ADD. On the ride home from work today, I had a gazillion thoughts and in the back of mind I kept thinking, I should have a tape recorder so I can record what I'm thinking because by the time I get home and try to write it all down I'll have forgotten most of it. I sang Outshined at the top of my lungs while driving home today. The guy in the pick up in front of me probably thought I was insane because I was really into it. I'm totally okay with that. I'll be turning 40 in one month. I had a major freak-out at 35, so I'm not expecting too much drama. However, there are a few things I'm looking forward to, like being able to say "Fuck-it, I'm 40"! That should actually work for the next two decades. It's the fffff sound.

My use of the "effen-heimer" goes up exponentially when I get stressed out at work and it was a crap-tacular day. I lost count of how many times I used that word. I used it as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective,  and probably some other parts of speech that don't exist in the English language. And I'm not done. Driving also brings out my effen-heimer vocabulary. There are a lot of fuckers, mother-fuckers, and fuck face drivers out there...and they were all on the road today. This is why I do not have children, nor am I allowed to drive with children in the car. Apparently, today is stop signs are optional day as well as I don't know how to use my turn signal day. It has been suggested that I use the word "genius" to replace the following words (often spoken in anger/frustration): moron, idiot, cretin, retard, fucker, mother-fucker, fuck-face, dick-head, jackass, ass-wipe, and asshole. I'm trying, but only successful about 50% of the time.

I watered my hydrangeas the other day with an acid fertilizer. I'm waiting for them to turn blue...they aren't blue yet. I just checked.

Oh, and here's another thing...Nick Cannon has come out with an album called White People Party Music. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? In light of all the racial issues going on right now...how is this appropriate? At first I laughed and took it lightheartedly, but now I'm totally pissed off. I'm pretty sure that if some "white" dude came out with an album mocking black people it would be considered unacceptable. Of course this has already gone viral and everyone is eating it up like candy. This is just one of many reasons this country will never outgrow its racist past. I guess we all deserve the fucked up world in which we live.

And now I need to go apologize to my coworker who graciously listened to my effen-heimer rant.

Cheers

P.S. I now have seven minions and they make my laugh.

Tornadoes, Sharks, and Chainsaws...Oh My!

I'm having a mid-life crisis. Really. I'm about to turn 40. Now before you poo-poo me, or say I'm too young, recognize that the average lifespan is 78.6 years. I think that I'm the perfect age for a mid-life crisis.

This crisis isn't about turning 40, not really. Age really is just a number and I feel much younger, accept when I meet some punk kid a few years out of college who thinks the world owes them. Their misplaced sense of entitlement irritates me, but that's really a topic for another post. Over the past several months I've found myself asking more and more of those "little" life questions..Is this all there is? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Should I be doing more? Doing less? What makes me happy? Has reading and watching science fiction made my expectations of what life should be warped and unrealistic? The questions are endless, really; but that last question is a great transition to what this post is really about, well sort of.

I couldn't resist writing a post about the SyFy Original Movie, Sharknado. It has gotten so much buzz that I had to watch it (well most of it, the last half) in order to understand what all the fuss was about. Yes, it was bad, but no more so than any of their other intentionally bad movies. And let's face it, it's been done before. MST3K made an entire show on making fun of bad movies with witty repartee. I've actually been beginning to wonder what Crow and Tom Servo would have had to say if they had been watching Sharknado. I really miss MST3K. I have a tough time watching a bad movie without them; it just isn't the same. And if you don't know about MST3K, you can look it up on the internet.

I also have to wonder if the public response to Sharknado is somehow connected to the crazy shit going on in the world right now. Not sure, just a thought.

Just remember, if you're ever going to fight a shark wielding tornado, make sure you bring a chainsaw. You might need to fight your way out of the shark after he swallows you, and a bowie knife just won't cut it. It's certainly a use for a chainsaw I hadn't previously considered. It's good to learn something new.

P.S. I know you're all (all three of you) wondering how the dating scene is these days. It's the same, utterly depressing. There are a lot of emotionally damaged men out there. It's tough to find someone whose emotional damage and fallibility is compatible with your own. But I am a glutton for punishment, so I sally forth.

Cheers

I'm Over the Moon...and Mad about Mars

What ever happened to colonizing the moon? Weren't we supposed to have a colony on the moon by now?

Well, apparently we're going to skip the moon and jump right to Mars. There's a project out there called Mars One, sponsored by a private company in the Netherlands that is planning to build a colony on Mars, and then basically turn it into a reality TV show. The possibilities of reality TV really are endless. I guess that Dutch company is bored with watching the mentally ill and emotionally damaged people here on Earth and decided it was time to branch out.

If you view their website and introduction video (link below) it will provide you with a riveting description of the project. They also point out that this is a one-way ticket. "Astronauts" will be expected to live out their lives on the barren red rock.

When I initially heard about this, a gazillion questions popped into my head simultaneously. One of which was, what about the moon? Weren't we supposed to colonize the moon first? Why skip right to Mars? Is it a gravity thing? Because Mars has reduced gravity too. Why is the moon now a secondary player?

Other questions that followed included, in no particular order, and the list is by no means comprehensive...

What will they eat? Can you grow food on Mars? Are they bringing seeds, plants, and dirt from Earth? Is there enough sunlight? What about the light/dark cycles of the plants? The plants developed on Earth. How will the plants perform on a planet with a different atmosphere and gravity? Or will they recreate Earth conditions for the "plant bio-dome"? Will they genetically engineer special plants prior to the colonists departure? And what about animal protein? Will they bring freeze dried meat with them?

What will they do with waste? Can you burn stuff on Mars? And what about human waste? That stuff is going to build up...

How will they create gravity? Prolonged exposure to lack of gravity, and subsequently exercise, can lead to osteoporosis. Which leads me to...what happens if someone gets sick? What if someone develops MS or cancer? Do the colonists just have to tough it out?

What happens if one of the supply ships goes astray on the way to Mars? Will they enough back-up supplies to make it through?

Another nagging question is, what emotionally healthy person would agree to this? I mean, it's a one-way ticket....you are not coming back, ever.

But if you're feeling like you want to get away, you just might want to check out how you can go to Mars. Check it out...

http://mars-one.com/en/

Sexy, Vapid, Stepford Wives...or Opposite

I've given up on the dating thing...really. I took a break for about a year from the IJL thing, because really after so many crummy, but hand-selected, less than spectacular dates I just couldn't take it anymore. But then I got a letter saying that the hold on my account was about to expire and I started thinking I really should finish the contract because I paid for it and even if the dates are all bad, my frugal upbringing taught me that wasting money is bad, which is way worse than a bad date, so I finished the contract.

The dates didn't improve. Granted, there weren't any more autistic beekeepers, but it just didn't improve. IJL would ask "how can we get back on track"? And I would respond, "how about someone who actually reads and enjoys the theater, and music". Or just give me the opposite of what I asked for. Oh, and by the way, I prefer Caucasian men (yes, I know that's racist, but that's just where I'm at). You know what the opposite of Caucasian is? It isn't what you think. It's a Japanese guy named Carlos who grew up in Peru. I'm not kidding.

The irony is that when they actually matched me up with what I asked for (on paper anyway), he's a foot and a half taller. I'm 5'0" (in the morning when I wake up); 5'3" in a good pair of heels. It really is a special experience to stand next to someone who's still more than a foot taller when you're in heels. And that was the last date with them.

So then I think, I'll try Match. Mega mistake. I can not stress this enough. And when you call them to ask for your money back after only 48 hours because you've been freaked out by the fact that in less 48 hours you've received approximately 300 winks, emails, and whatever the hell else people do, they say "no". Even if you spend 25 minutes on the phone arguing with several people they still say, "no, that's not our company policy". Many of the emails contained lewd and suggestive language...I said I felt threatened. Apparently, I do not know the super secret code word for getting a refund. I'm sure there is one, I just don't know it and now I hate them and think they have bad business practices for not refunding my money...because I canceled my membership after 48 hours.

Of course now I've been analyzing my childhood and all of the off-handed comments my parents made over the years that were in no way meant to negatively impact my ability to trust another human being and form positive relationships, but obviously that failed and I remember those comments vividly.

Watching All in the Family...Gloria's friend gets "in trouble" (aka..70's lingo for pregnant). My mom says.."that's what happens when you spend too much time with boys". I was in second grade at the time and although I had no clue what that meant, I developed a fear of spending time with my friend Jason, because I thought I would get "in trouble". I didn't actually learn what being "in trouble" meant until we got the talk in health class at school (and that was 5th or 6th grade). So, I've been on the pill for 20 years and have no intention of going off of it until I hit menopause. I'm not kidding.

Watching The Stepford Wives (I'm not sure why my mom let me watch this since the first PG movie I was allowed to see at the movie theater was E.T.)...my mom's comment about the whole plot..."that's what men do, they're pigs and the women are idiots with low self-esteem". I now have a disdain for suburban, housewife soccer/hockey moms who have ponytails, wear tracksuits, drive SUVs/minivans with their big ole' mocha-machi-lattes. But I respect their choice, really. Just stop polluting the planet with your 2 mile per gallon Hummer, which you don't need because you're not going to drive up a building or fight a war in the desert.

Dad dropping me off at school in seventh grade..."Why do all these girls look like hookers? Do you know these girls? Do their parents know they leave the house like that? Someone should take a fire hose to them and wash off all that makeup". I don't think I wore makeup until went away to college.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. So for now, I'm going to wallow in my misanthropy and consider a trip to Mars. But Mars is a topic for another post.

If you're trying to live through me vicariously, you'll be sorely disappointed...

It's been awhile since I've "used my words". Mostly because of my growing disappointment and trying to find the humor in it. Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy. Honestly, I don't know that I've found it yet.

So let's see, where did I leave off?

Ah yes, it was June and I was on a date with the Air Force pilot, reservist now. This date went really well, of course, maybe I just thought that because I was hopped up on Sudafed. Well, I thought it went well, we seemed to get along, conversation flowed smoothly, we seemed to have some common interests, he seemed normal and he was handsome to boot. The downside...he was newly divorced, as in divorced that month after 21 years of marriage, but we exchanged numbers. Now, I should mention that he said he was going out of town the following weekend for a family reunion and I am almost certain he was being truthful. I didn't really expect to hear from him right away. He texted me a couple days later, said he was looking forward to seeing me again. I said great...call me when you get back from your family reunion. Needless to say I didn't hear from him when he got back. And so I move on, again...

The agency set me up with two more dates. The first of which never showed up and when I called the agency to tell them they didn't exactly apologize, but said they'd call him to find out what happened and then asked if I would want to go out with him again. Since there really was no "again", I declined. I just went with that the old adage..."Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". They never did tell me why he didn't show up.

Ironically, a couple days later I got a text from the Air Force Pilot. There were a couple innocuous texts back and forth. It went something like this (paraphrased)...
AFG: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: I've got a few things going on, but I'm free Saturday night. What about you?
AFG: I've got some stuff going on, but nothing Saturday. Text me in the morning.
Me (texting Saturday morning): What's going on?
AFG: Thinking about going boating.
Me: I'm free this evening, if you want to do something.
AFG: Heading out on the boat. Give me a call if you want to hang out in Stillwater.
Me: Why don't we schedule something? It would be great if we could pick a time and place to meet.

I haven't heard a word since. I guess I've never received a boat-booty call before, but obviously that's what it was.

The next date was the next day. He showed up late (which I was quite sensitive to) in a dirty t-shirt, ratty shorts and flip-flops. Now, I know it's summer and it's very desirable to stay comfy, but his ensemble just said...I don't have time for this. And that attitude actually became evident during the course of our conversation. Moving on......

Next date was a couple weeks later at a nice little French bistro. When I arrived, the guy was sitting there in a ball cap that was advertising for some type of heavy machinery company with a metalized brim. Really? Who wears a ball cap to a French bistro? I'll tell you who...a 45 year old man who owns a recycling business, hasn't had a vegetable in 25 years, lives in his mom and dad's farmhouse, and has positively no interests. No reading, no gardening, no TV, no movies, no theater, no running, no walking, no hiking, no parks, no sports, no restaurants..... There was actually a moment during the conversation that it occurred to me that I would be better off alone.

There haven't been any dates since that one. The agency has called me a couple of times to set up two different dates, but the guy either can't make time in his schedule or his file is being used for another match.

I don't know what's worse, feeling different and like a total failure for not being able to find someone, having had the expectations that there's actually hope that I would find someone, or having hope that the dating agency would have any kind of success in finding someone.

Here's the thing, I probably don't fit the profile of most people who are "on the market". While I am not flashy, gregarious, or "cool", I am not weirdo, deviant, or social misfit. I am not looking for a fling or one night stand and I am not looking to start sleeping with someone after three or four dates, which amounts to knowing someone for about 12 to 15 hours if you average 3 to 4 hours a date. I want to know someone before I know someone. I am not a free spirit, a liberal, or laid back. I don't roll with the flow...I'm a planner and have an old soul. I don't need to go out and party every weekend. I'm too tired and drinking more than two drinks makes me fall asleep and also makes me violently ill. I work very hard, my career is demanding and it always will be. During the week, I don't have time for much else besides my job. I squeeze in the treadmill, some reading, and some gardening (or snow shoveling) wherever I can. I accepted the demands of the job when I signed on; it's what I know and enjoy...it's how I function and makes up a large part of who I am. On the weekends, I like being a homebody. I love to read, write, garden, listen to music, watch movies and documentaries. On occasion, I like to go out for a nice meal at an expensive restaurant, a broadway show or go to the symphony; maybe the Arboretum or other state park. I value peace and quiet, and spiritual growth. I like to meditate (although I don't always make the time). When I can, I travel....to far away places. I've been all over the world and want to see more.

I'm not asking for the moon (well maybe), just compatibility. Is that so difficult? I guess it is.