Thursday, July 25, 2013

I'm going out to find more, not onions, minions

Today's post is brought to you by the letter "E". 

Warning! If you are offended by swearing, the use of politically incorrect words that used to be socially acceptable in everyday language but no longer are, or socially sensitive topics, stop reading now. 

I've been seeing the letter E around a lot lately and I really like it, the letter E that is, not that I'm seeing it, but that's okay too. I've been seeing the letter K around a lot too, but I don't like that letter as much. And you know I'm pretty sure that Bert and Ernie are not gay...because they're muppets. I'm almost certain that muppets don't have a sexual orientation. Besides, if any muppet was going to be gay (or lesbian, I don't want to be gender biased) I think it would be Janice from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem Band.

I heard on MPR today (no, that's not a typo, M stands for Minnesota) that they've developed a new shark suit that will reduce risk for scuba divers and snorkelers for being attacked by a shark. Apparently, sharks are confused by black and white stripes. I am very happy for them; but tell you what, I've got a remedy for that too...stay out of shark infested waters. I'm also pretty sure that the black and white stripes won't work if you come across a shark wielding tornado; nope, you need a chainsaw for that.

I'm pretty sure that I've developed adult ADD. On the ride home from work today, I had a gazillion thoughts and in the back of mind I kept thinking, I should have a tape recorder so I can record what I'm thinking because by the time I get home and try to write it all down I'll have forgotten most of it. I sang Outshined at the top of my lungs while driving home today. The guy in the pick up in front of me probably thought I was insane because I was really into it. I'm totally okay with that. I'll be turning 40 in one month. I had a major freak-out at 35, so I'm not expecting too much drama. However, there are a few things I'm looking forward to, like being able to say "Fuck-it, I'm 40"! That should actually work for the next two decades. It's the fffff sound.

My use of the "effen-heimer" goes up exponentially when I get stressed out at work and it was a crap-tacular day. I lost count of how many times I used that word. I used it as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective,  and probably some other parts of speech that don't exist in the English language. And I'm not done. Driving also brings out my effen-heimer vocabulary. There are a lot of fuckers, mother-fuckers, and fuck face drivers out there...and they were all on the road today. This is why I do not have children, nor am I allowed to drive with children in the car. Apparently, today is stop signs are optional day as well as I don't know how to use my turn signal day. It has been suggested that I use the word "genius" to replace the following words (often spoken in anger/frustration): moron, idiot, cretin, retard, fucker, mother-fucker, fuck-face, dick-head, jackass, ass-wipe, and asshole. I'm trying, but only successful about 50% of the time.

I watered my hydrangeas the other day with an acid fertilizer. I'm waiting for them to turn blue...they aren't blue yet. I just checked.

Oh, and here's another thing...Nick Cannon has come out with an album called White People Party Music. Really? Are you fucking kidding me? In light of all the racial issues going on right is this appropriate? At first I laughed and took it lightheartedly, but now I'm totally pissed off. I'm pretty sure that if some "white" dude came out with an album mocking black people it would be considered unacceptable. Of course this has already gone viral and everyone is eating it up like candy. This is just one of many reasons this country will never outgrow its racist past. I guess we all deserve the fucked up world in which we live.

And now I need to go apologize to my coworker who graciously listened to my effen-heimer rant.


P.S. I now have seven minions and they make my laugh.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Tornadoes, Sharks, and Chainsaws...Oh My!

I'm having a mid-life crisis. Really. I'm about to turn 40. Now before you poo-poo me, or say I'm too young, recognize that the average lifespan is 78.6 years. I think that I'm the perfect age for a mid-life crisis.

This crisis isn't about turning 40, not really. Age really is just a number and I feel much younger, accept when I meet some punk kid a few years out of college who thinks the world owes them. Their misplaced sense of entitlement irritates me, but that's really a topic for another post. Over the past several months I've found myself asking more and more of those "little" life questions..Is this all there is? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Should I be doing more? Doing less? What makes me happy? Has reading and watching science fiction made my expectations of what life should be warped and unrealistic? The questions are endless, really; but that last question is a great transition to what this post is really about, well sort of.

I couldn't resist writing a post about the SyFy Original Movie, Sharknado. It has gotten so much buzz that I had to watch it (well most of it, the last half) in order to understand what all the fuss was about. Yes, it was bad, but no more so than any of their other intentionally bad movies. And let's face it, it's been done before. MST3K made an entire show on making fun of bad movies with witty repartee. I've actually been beginning to wonder what Crow and Tom Servo would have had to say if they had been watching Sharknado. I really miss MST3K. I have a tough time watching a bad movie without them; it just isn't the same. And if you don't know about MST3K, you can look it up on the internet.

I also have to wonder if the public response to Sharknado is somehow connected to the crazy shit going on in the world right now. Not sure, just a thought.

Just remember, if you're ever going to fight a shark wielding tornado, make sure you bring a chainsaw. You might need to fight your way out of the shark after he swallows you, and a bowie knife just won't cut it. It's certainly a use for a chainsaw I hadn't previously considered. It's good to learn something new.

P.S. I know you're all (all three of you) wondering how the dating scene is these days. It's the same, utterly depressing. There are a lot of emotionally damaged men out there. It's tough to find someone whose emotional damage and fallibility is compatible with your own. But I am a glutton for punishment, so I sally forth.