Saturday, September 21, 2013

I don't have Channel 986...

My parents often call me to tell me when a "good" movie is going to be on. They will tell me the title, who's in it, why I should watch it, etc. Then, inevitably they will tell me which channel it's on. It's on Channel 6, Channel 58, Channel 4, Channel 986, Channel 6.2; you get the picture.

Then I ask which network this fantastic movie is on, often, the response is, "I don't know". I try and explain that I need to know because my Channel 4 is not the same as their Channel 4. My mother seems to get this, my father on the other hand doesn't seem to grasp the concept that Milwaukee and Minneapolis have different channel numbers for their networks.

Dad: "You mean you don't get NBC? What kind of cable do you have? Don't you have Time Warner"?

Me: "No, I don't have Time Warner and even if I did, our channel numbers would still be different."

Dad: "Why don't you have Time Warner? It's on A-TV. You're not looking right. Check your TV Guide."

Me: "I don't have a TV Guide."

Dad (with haughty derision in his voice): "Not TV Guide. Your TV guide. It's on A-TV, Kathleen. Channel 986 or Channel 6.2."

My father calls me by my mother's name when he gets frustrated with me; which is equally as funny as when my mother calls me by my father's name when she gets frustrated with me.

Me: "ATV? What the heck is that? I don't have ATV."

Dad: "It's Channel 986 or Channel 6.2. Talk to your mother."

Mom: "It's on ATV. Channel 986 or Channel 6.2."

Me: "This whole time I've been searching my TV guide, and I assure you I don't have ATV. I do, however, have Antenna TV. Is that what you mean?"

Mom: "Yes, Antenna TV...A-TV. That's what I said. Channel 986 or Channel 6.2."

I'm silently going insane.

Me: "Antenna TV is not A-TV, it's Antenna TV...A-N-T-E-N."

Mom: "Yes A-TV."

Me: "Not the same...A-N-T-E-N, Antenna TV."

Mom: "A-TV."

Me: "Not the same."


Mom: "Your father wants to talk to you. I'm sorry, honey."

She gets that he's special and demanding. They'll be married for 45-years on October 5th, which I figure makes her eligible for Sainthood.

Dad: "See, I told you you had it."

Me: "If you had called it Antenna TV from the start, we could have avoided this whole conversation."

Dad: "A-TV."

Me: "Stop calling it A-TV, it's Antenna TV. Are you doing this just to make me crazy? Go watch your movie."

Dad: "Okay, I expect a book report on this...go watch the movie."

Me: "Goodnight."

I didn't want to get into the whole thing about not being able to do a book report on a movie. I'd like to retain what little is left of my sanity, at least for the evening.


Thursday, September 19, 2013

George Orwell and Aldous Huxley were right...which means we're all SOL.

This post may seem random, but it really does have a flow and make sense. Sort of.

Have you noticed how many movies are being remade or how many versions on the same theme are being written? Do you think to yourself where have all the original ideas gone?

Movies and novels which involve the annihilation of the planet or humanity and post-apocalyptic dystopian societies seem to be particularly popular. Many authors, filmmakers, and artists have come up with some very exciting and ingenious ways in which the world and humanity will meet their demise.

Are these meant to be cautionary tales? Manuals for living in a dystopian society? Can we escape our own humanity? And then I seriously got to thinking...have all the "good" ideas for humanity's demise and our ever-looming dystopian future been used up?

I mean, there's zombies (classic and cliche); Godzilla (timeless); a planet wide EMP; time-traveling Borg; asteroids; comets; mega-volcanoes; earthquakes; tsunamis; genetically engineered dinosaurs and wives; biological warfare (a personal favorite); 'The Master'; aliens (from outer space not other countries); and evil dictatorships which may or may not have WMDs. Just to name a few.

So, on a rainy Saturday, I challenged myself to come up with some original ideas. I don't know that my heart was really in it though, because I only came up with two...but then again I was already a little depressed so thinking up end of the world scenarios and dystopian living didn't seem like it might contribute to having a positive attitude. My ideas were, in no particular order:
a) blow up the moon, and
b) drill 12 holes into the earth's outer core in strategic locations, and then launch WMDs into the holes simultaneously.

Then I decided to do some research to determine whether they truly were original. They are not, as the link to will demonstrate. I couldn't actually find a site for drilling 12 holes into the earth and launching WMDs at the core, but there were plenty of websites that have calculated how many nukes it would take to destroy the planet from it's surface.

Here's a fun link I found that provides a basic tutorial on Earth geology; it's fun for the whole family... is really a great site, and not just because it explains what would happen if we blew up the moon (which the site points out would be really dumb). It has all kinds of interesting space stuff.

And by the way...there are many websites devoted to figuring all this stuff out (in a very scientific way), which frightens me just a bit; because psychologically, the person/people who would actually attempt something like this are most likely to be scientists, just to see whether they could do it. Science is kind of like that. It focuses on action and reaction; there's no moral judgment, which I won't judge, just state for the record. Although, purposefully destroying humanity or the planet does seem wrong, really wrong.

A former co-worker once told me that he thought I wouldn't survive very well, if at all, if there were a nuclear attack. When I asked why, he told me he thought that because I didn't like to camp. While it's true I don't enjoy camping, I'm not sure what that has to do with surviving a nuclear attack. I told him that if my choices were being at the point of impact or being within a 50 to 100 mile radius I would prefer to be at the point of impact (for obvious reasons). But I digress. Hell, this whole post is a digression, I'm not even sure why I wrote it other than to entertain myself and maybe a few friends.

As humans, we seem to be rather obsessed with death, destruction, and redemption. How would one survive in post-apocalytpic world, a dystopian society? Maybe these movies and novels really are cautionary tales and survival manuals.

As for George Orwell's 1984 and Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, I find it eerie how close they came to predicting the direction society has taken. I would also add that the MaddAdam trilogy by Margaret Atwood is probably not far off from where we are headed either. If you have not read these books and are obsessed the demise or decline of society, I suggest you do so.

As for humanity's obsession with it's own decline and demise I can only posit that it's for one simple can only watch so many cute animal videos. But in the meantime, "Don't Worry, Be Happy".


Monday, September 9, 2013

Norwegian Sharknado, or what the fox say...

Alright, that may be a bit of stretch to call it Norwegian Sharknado, but like Sharknado I think I'll be talking about this for awhile. It's probably more like Norwegian "Weird Al" Yankovic, whose music I totally love.

If you haven't seen this, you should...

I really don't have anything else for this post.

Ylvis has left the building.


Thursday, September 5, 2013


I admit, I am not the most eloquent person, however, I'd like to believe that when it comes to pronunciation, I do okay. If I don't, then I just blame my genetics.

There are certain words that my father mispronounces, frequently; no matter how many times I tell him the proper way to pronounce the word. These words include, but are not limited to:

Incommercial (known to everyone else as an infomercial)
Frajita (or fajita)
Valentime's Day (that would be Valentine's Day, with an "N", not an "M")
Bryerly's (there's no "r" after the B; it's Byerly's, a local grocery store, for you out-of-towners)

On a positive note, my father gave me an expandable hose which he purchased after watching an "incommerical"; and it's way better than the stupid hose I bought at Home Depot which gave me bruises. I don't think it's Home Depot's fault, but you get what you pay for; and apparently a $25.00 hose is cheap in the world of hoses. When I told him I wanted another expandable hose for the back of the house he told me I should go to the Target place and ask where "the seen on TV incommercial place" was. I was specifically instructed not to purchase it from the incommercial on TV because the shipping and handling was more than what the hose itself actually cost. Message received and understood. I guess I'm off to Target. happy

Expandable hose my dad gave me...