Saturday, September 21, 2013

I don't have Channel 986...

My parents often call me to tell me when a "good" movie is going to be on. They will tell me the title, who's in it, why I should watch it, etc. Then, inevitably they will tell me which channel it's on. It's on Channel 6, Channel 58, Channel 4, Channel 986, Channel 6.2; you get the picture.

Then I ask which network this fantastic movie is on, often, the response is, "I don't know". I try and explain that I need to know because my Channel 4 is not the same as their Channel 4. My mother seems to get this, my father on the other hand doesn't seem to grasp the concept that Milwaukee and Minneapolis have different channel numbers for their networks.

Dad: "You mean you don't get NBC? What kind of cable do you have? Don't you have Time Warner"?

Me: "No, I don't have Time Warner and even if I did, our channel numbers would still be different."

Dad: "Why don't you have Time Warner? It's on A-TV. You're not looking right. Check your TV Guide."

Me: "I don't have a TV Guide."

Dad (with haughty derision in his voice): "Not TV Guide. Your TV guide. It's on A-TV, Kathleen. Channel 986 or Channel 6.2."

My father calls me by my mother's name when he gets frustrated with me; which is equally as funny as when my mother calls me by my father's name when she gets frustrated with me.

Me: "ATV? What the heck is that? I don't have ATV."

Dad: "It's Channel 986 or Channel 6.2. Talk to your mother."

Mom: "It's on ATV. Channel 986 or Channel 6.2."

Me: "This whole time I've been searching my TV guide, and I assure you I don't have ATV. I do, however, have Antenna TV. Is that what you mean?"

Mom: "Yes, Antenna TV...A-TV. That's what I said. Channel 986 or Channel 6.2."

I'm silently going insane.

Me: "Antenna TV is not A-TV, it's Antenna TV...A-N-T-E-N."

Mom: "Yes A-TV."

Me: "Not the same...A-N-T-E-N, Antenna TV."

Mom: "A-TV."

Me: "Not the same."


Mom: "Your father wants to talk to you. I'm sorry, honey."

She gets that he's special and demanding. They'll be married for 45-years on October 5th, which I figure makes her eligible for Sainthood.

Dad: "See, I told you you had it."

Me: "If you had called it Antenna TV from the start, we could have avoided this whole conversation."

Dad: "A-TV."

Me: "Stop calling it A-TV, it's Antenna TV. Are you doing this just to make me crazy? Go watch your movie."

Dad: "Okay, I expect a book report on this...go watch the movie."

Me: "Goodnight."

I didn't want to get into the whole thing about not being able to do a book report on a movie. I'd like to retain what little is left of my sanity, at least for the evening.


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