Monday, January 21, 2013

Sexy, Vapid, Stepford Wives...or Opposite

I've given up on the dating thing...really. I took a break for about a year from the IJL thing, because really after so many crummy, but hand-selected, less than spectacular dates I just couldn't take it anymore. But then I got a letter saying that the hold on my account was about to expire and I started thinking I really should finish the contract because I paid for it and even if the dates are all bad, my frugal upbringing taught me that wasting money is bad, which is way worse than a bad date, so I finished the contract.

The dates didn't improve. Granted, there weren't any more autistic beekeepers, but it just didn't improve. IJL would ask "how can we get back on track"? And I would respond, "how about someone who actually reads and enjoys the theater, and music". Or just give me the opposite of what I asked for. Oh, and by the way, I prefer Caucasian men (yes, I know that's racist, but that's just where I'm at). You know what the opposite of Caucasian is? It isn't what you think. It's a Japanese guy named Carlos who grew up in Peru. I'm not kidding.

The irony is that when they actually matched me up with what I asked for (on paper anyway), he's a foot and a half taller. I'm 5'0" (in the morning when I wake up); 5'3" in a good pair of heels. It really is a special experience to stand next to someone who's still more than a foot taller when you're in heels. And that was the last date with them.

So then I think, I'll try Match. Mega mistake. I can not stress this enough. And when you call them to ask for your money back after only 48 hours because you've been freaked out by the fact that in less 48 hours you've received approximately 300 winks, emails, and whatever the hell else people do, they say "no". Even if you spend 25 minutes on the phone arguing with several people they still say, "no, that's not our company policy". Many of the emails contained lewd and suggestive language...I said I felt threatened. Apparently, I do not know the super secret code word for getting a refund. I'm sure there is one, I just don't know it and now I hate them and think they have bad business practices for not refunding my money...because I canceled my membership after 48 hours.

Of course now I've been analyzing my childhood and all of the off-handed comments my parents made over the years that were in no way meant to negatively impact my ability to trust another human being and form positive relationships, but obviously that failed and I remember those comments vividly.

Watching All in the Family...Gloria's friend gets "in trouble" (aka..70's lingo for pregnant). My mom says.."that's what happens when you spend too much time with boys". I was in second grade at the time and although I had no clue what that meant, I developed a fear of spending time with my friend Jason, because I thought I would get "in trouble". I didn't actually learn what being "in trouble" meant until we got the talk in health class at school (and that was 5th or 6th grade). So, I've been on the pill for 20 years and have no intention of going off of it until I hit menopause. I'm not kidding.

Watching The Stepford Wives (I'm not sure why my mom let me watch this since the first PG movie I was allowed to see at the movie theater was E.T.) mom's comment about the whole plot..."that's what men do, they're pigs and the women are idiots with low self-esteem". I now have a disdain for suburban, housewife soccer/hockey moms who have ponytails, wear tracksuits, drive SUVs/minivans with their big ole' mocha-machi-lattes. But I respect their choice, really. Just stop polluting the planet with your 2 mile per gallon Hummer, which you don't need because you're not going to drive up a building or fight a war in the desert.

Dad dropping me off at school in seventh grade..."Why do all these girls look like hookers? Do you know these girls? Do their parents know they leave the house like that? Someone should take a fire hose to them and wash off all that makeup". I don't think I wore makeup until went away to college.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. So for now, I'm going to wallow in my misanthropy and consider a trip to Mars. But Mars is a topic for another post.

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