Sunday, February 20, 2011

Another day, another snowstorm...

Well, another week has come and gone and I'm feeling a bit philosophical. No call from the matchmaking agency. I can't say I'm surprised. Maybe a little disappointed though. My hope is starting to wane.

I watched Eat, Pray, Love today. I thought that they did an okay job of adapting the book, which I read a couple of years ago. I really enjoyed the book and felt that I resonated on some level with the author. Although my own story is quite different. I also have a box full of places I want to travel to before I die; and the list is long. I don't dream of a white picket fence with 2.5 kids and a dog...I dream of Africa, Antarctica, Borneo and Sumatra (just to name a few).

But the movie got me thinking again, reminding me of the book, and what the movie did not convey about some of the author's (Elizabeth Gilbert) feelings that drove her to make the choices she did. She felt trapped in a life that she did not want, and from what I recall, she wasn't quite sure how she wound up there. Reading the book made me feel like I wasn't alone.

There's this small part of me that sees friends and relatives with their children and wonders what it would be like to have a child of my own. But then I think, I just don't want it badly enough. At one point in time, when I was in my late 20's, I thought that maybe at some point (in the near future) I'd feel old enough and ready to settle down and have a family, but that hasn't happened for me, and I don't think it ever will.

For me, it isn't so much about not having a family, but about feeling left behind and feeling left out of experiences I will never have. I will never be able to truly relate with many of my friends and they will never be able to relate to me.

I really enjoy my life, my career, my travels, my friends, but at the same time feel conflicted because I don't want be a parent. I know this may sound strange; it's even strange to me. I value family very much, but don't see myself as part of one (other than the one I grew up in). And while that may make me sad sometimes, in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really bother me.

The snow has been falling all day and will require me to shovel out in the morning, so it's time for a good night's sleep before the morning workout.

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